Dejavu

WARNING-Emotional Post

Rick and I found out that we were expecting in January and last Thursday, I started having a miscarriage. Another one.  Two within 2 months.  I went to the doctor for the first one on November 28 and I went to the doctor for this one on January 28.  Lame.

I was really upset by the news obviously.  All we want to do is have children and raise a righteous family.  Is that too much to ask for?  I've been serving faithfully in my ward and supporting my hubby the best I can with his stressful school.  I was pretty bitter and upset at first, taking it a lot worse than the first one.  I think because this time, I just felt more pregnant. 

But I've noticed during these rough times that Heavenly Father nudges you in a way, in a direction that you were hesitant about taking before... Let me explain.

I've always wanted to get a Masters Degree.  I just didn't know what I would get it in.  Money has always been an issue, even though I might be able to get grants (our family is at poverty level on paper, they don't include the allowances Rick has in his paycheck).  I've loved history since I was young, so I really thought about studying that.  I love teaching.  Especially those insane middle schoolers. 

I have always had the thought of getting a masters in the back of my mind.  In my Patriarchal Blessing, I was told to "seek after the knowledge that is available".  But I kept pushing it back and back, putting other things first like Evan and Rick getting a masters degree. 

Well, I had an epiphany; an aha! moment this Saturday while I was nervously moping around trying to figure out something to do to keep my mind off of this last pregnancy loss. 

And here's what I found out.  The Air Force has a program for spouses of specifically ranked members of the AF.  Basically the lower the rank you are, enlisted or commissioned, you have the opportunity to receive funding to aid you in education.  Well, I was looking around on the website to try and see if there was a program that I would want to try and maybe get a certificate in, maybe so I could work from home. 

I liked the idea of a health/fitness/wellness counselor, but that's only because I wanted to learn about it for myself. 

I liked the idea of a lactation consultant, because I loved nursing Evan and it's a hard thing to do, so I thought maybe I could help mothers to learn--- but I didn't want to look at boobs all day. 

I had a strong feeling that I should look up education certificates on the website, so I did. Now this program usually doesn't cover masters degrees, but this one online accredited university gave you a certificate with your masters degree, which is how I think they get around it.  (MA-education-administration- you get a principal's certificate). 

I had this major AHA moment that this was what I was supposed to be doing. Heavenly Father knows me so well.  He knows the plan that He has for me also.  Seriously, at that moment I knew why I wasn't "allowed" to carry those babies yet.  Heavenly Father needs me to go to school and continue raising my baby boy. 

For some reason, I need to get this masters in education curriculum and instruction with ESL certification.  And, I wouldn't be able to do it with a newborn baby and a toddler running around.  This instantly made me feel better.  Now I have two goals before I have another baby.  The first one is to lose weight and just get healthy.  The second is to get my masters degree or at least to start the process. 

The program is 18-24 months long.  I hope to start it in May or June, whenever we're settled in our new home in Maryland. 

It's always amazing to me that when one door seems to close, another will always open for you.