I just wanted to jot a few thoughts down. I love my baby boy Evan. And, I love to sleep.
When Rick and I were expecting Evan, I always said that I wanted to have the baby sleep in his own room, in a crib. Well. Evan came and he was a lot more needy than I expected. Evan was not an easy baby. I know all newborns are like this. For the first 7 weeks of his life, Evan alternated sleeping in a bassinet, in my arms (while I was rocking in the glider), and on his daddy's chest (when I really, really, desperately needed sleep).
The Sunday night before I had to go back to school, Evan was terrible. It's like he instinctively knew that I would be leaving him the next morning. So, I allowed him to sleep next to me. He's a cuddler and he LOVES nursing, so it was just an easy way for me to get sleep and to help him sleep also.
One night turned into 7 months of co-sleeping. I made many excuses, including: I need all the sleep I can get in order to teach 7th graders effectively (which is very true); at least Evan is getting sleep; I am still able to nurse easier, so we're saving money; Rick's gone for 3 months, and I want Evan close to me; etc. I tried to get him away from me a few times (I know, that sounds terrible), but he wanted to be closer.
I have been thinking a lot about getting Evan to sleep in the really nice crib that he had that was mainly being used as a clothes hamper/ changing area. And when he began rolling off the bed onto the floor in the middle of the night and taking up most of the bed, it became more of a priority. So, I decided that when we were more settled in Mississippi in our house that I would move him to his crib.
Well, here I am, up late, listening to my baby boy wake up every hour and a half, lonely, in the dark and crying his eyes out. It only lasts five minutes at the most, but I have a feeling that it's going to be a very long night for me. I won't be surprised if I don't get any sleep at all.
We tried it out on Saturday night. We had Evan fall asleep in the crib on his own. Rick and I miss having Evan close to us. In the short 3 hours that Evan slept on his own in the crib, we went in a combined 8 times to check on him because we were so worried about him. When he started screaming at midnight, I immediately took him into the bed with me and soothed him with nursing and cuddling.
One question I keep asking myself: Is all of this stress that I am feeling worth it?
I feel like a terrible mom right now. Is it right to let me little guy cry like that? I know he's getting bigger, and I know that he needs to learn how to fall asleep on his own, without mommy, daddy, breast or bottle.
Being a parent, I've learned a few things. One of the most important things is that parents will make it work for their children. Each child is an individual. I remember my first week home with Evan, I was so stressed out because he wasn't behaving like any of my books said that he would be. I felt horrible because I couldn't nurse very well, and Evan was very demanding. Rick told me to stop reading those books (he even took them back to the library) because we would make it work for ourselves and Evan.
I never planned on co-sleeping, but since we tried it, it was a great experience for us. Do we want our kids to be in there when they're 2 or 3? No. But, it will be something that we will be using with our little ones when they are newborns.
I wonder what Evan is feeling right now. Is he feeling abandoned? Is he feeling cranky because he is still sleepy? Is he having pleasant dreams of the next day? Is he having nightmares of being separated from mommy and daddy? I don't know. All I know is that tomorrow I will be the same loving, caring mommy that I always am toward my baby boy.
The most important part about being a parent, I believe, is loving your children. And as long as your doing your best to be a good parent, and to raise your child correctly, while leading by example, I don't really think that you're doing anything wrong. I hope this turns out true for Rick and I. No matter how many baby and parenting books we've read, all that matters is what Evan needs and what fits his personality.
Evan in his new high chair courtesy of the silent auction at 