Toward the end of October, the beginning of November, Rick and I found out that we were expecting a baby. We were pretty surprised, so it took us a while to get over our shock and then we were pretty much really excited.
I had no complications at all until Thanksgiving when I felt some minor cramping. I wasn't worrying too much about it because I wasn't bleeding. Then on Friday, I began bleeding and cramping. We went to the ER on base where they stuck an IV in me (completely unnecessary AND painful), made me hold my bladder until I thought I was going to cry and then, gave me a couple of ultrasounds. Both ultrasounds showed only a gestational sac and no fetal pole. I was pretty sad to hear that because I've heard of these things happening before, and I've heard about misdiagnosis because of it being too early in the pregnancy. They basically sent me home with antibiotics for my UTI, a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage, instructions for plenty of bed rest and told me to come back on Monday for another blood test to measure my hormone levels and an additional ultrasound.
I spent the weekend being pampered by Rick while also being insanely jealous of Rick because Evan was all about daddy taking care of him and holding him (whatever, kid). I really just relaxed and tried hard not to think about the endless possibilities besides remaining pregnant or having a miscarriage (totally freaked out about possibly having an ectopic or molar pregnancy). Sunday night I asked Rick for a blessing of comfort. I am so grateful for the power of the Priesthood and how it's been able to help me through this time right now. I went in to the doctor's office today. My H cg levels on Friday were around 3900. It dropped down today to 600. Then in the ultrasound, no gestational sac at all was found. I am also happy to say that he didn't find anything at all in the lines of a molar or ectopic pregnancy. So, I miscarried this baby.
I took the news really well in the office. I kind of had a feeling already about it. Rick and I have been really calm and peaceful about the news. We think it's been helpful that I wasn't very far along (about 7-8 weeks or so). It also helps that I have a very busy 13 month old at home that is a walking tornado. Then tonight, when I was trying to go to sleep it really hit me. For some reason, this baby wasn't supposed to come right now.
And then, I realized how devastated I really was. It didn't matter that the little baby/tadpole was around the size of a black bean, she was alive at some point. I had already picked out a girl's name because I had a strong feeling it was going to be a girl. And I thought of this little spirit right now and my first thought was for my grandparents to take care of her until we saw her again. It was one of the most spiritual experiences I've had. I know that we have trials for many reasons in our lives. I know that through faith, Rick and I will be able to get through this trial and we will become stronger from it. I always tell myself, "I wouldn't be going through this trial right now if Heavenly Father knew I couldn't handle it". He knows all, and He knows what's in our best interests.
I am so thankful that this miscarriage resolved itself naturally (more blood tests to come just to make sure); I am thankful that I didn't have an ectopic or molar pregnancy; I am so thankful for my little boy Evan; I am so thankful for my husband, who is such a wonderful, supportive man for me; And last but not least, I am thankful for Jesus Christ. He has suffered the pains of the world, and he knows what I am feeling right now. Trials are always hard to go through. But how would we know the joy, happiness and everlasting peace in our lives if we didn't have some suffering? My prayers are for all my friends out there, that they may be able to be optimistic about their lives, like Rick and I have learned to be, that you may always be able to look on the bright side of things, even when your life seems to be surrounded in darkness.
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